More about Mom and Me …

Posted on September 25, 2010 by Virginia

Four months later I wrote the following at Small Reflections
(Click on link above if you like to see the original):

I’m even more certain Mom would approve.
My mom died of an aneurysm when I was 44 and she … just 78. Writing about her challenges me whenever I make the effort. I struggled with the preceding piece back in January, and mention her only 2 or 3 times in my 101 Things about Me. It’s 6:20am and I’ve spent 12 minutes staring at the blinking cursor … trying to decide where to begin and what to share. I guess I’ll see just how long it takes me to write and publish something ;–)

~~~~~~~~~~

I ‘happened’ as a total surprise. My dad had assured her that he was ‘sterile’ due to hospital treatments … and she must have believed him. I overheard her (later in life) retell the story of the day she realized she was pregnant with me … how she cried as she shared with a friend while hanging laundry, lamenting ‘she didn’t know what she’d do or how they’d manage’ … so I suspect if it hadn’t been 1945 (when abortions weren’t easily available nor talked about) I might never have ‘arrived’ at all. That said …
part of me fully understands.

Mom already struggled against great odds … with two ‘sickly’ kids she almost lost to ‘medical complications’ as babies and a husband who had just been released from the hospital … had no job (or prospects for finding one) … and who was adamant that SHE not seek work outside the home. Nothing came easily for mom, but somehow she held on … steeling herself as she humbly accepted ‘charity’ from extended family and church to keep us fed and clothed even as she would have preferred to get a job herself … and most likely would have been able to use her considerable secretarial skills effectively to succeed!

She was a product of a strict ‘Dutch’ upbringing in Michigan … youngest of 5 children born to immigrants from Holland who spoke no English themselves who wouldn’t let their kids speak anything but English because they wanted their children to be ‘Americans’ and felt ‘language’ essential for success. Her father ran a grocery store across the street from Leonard’s Refrigerator … and when my sister & I visited decades later the ‘store’ was still there with a huge Kelvinator plant across the street.

Her family moved to California when she was 12 or 13 and she met my father at church when she was in her early 20s. He was 10 years older than her … born & bred in Kansas. They couldn’t have been different from one another, but they shared deep love from the start … and when he died of cancer in February of 1976 … she was devastated.

My fondest memories of mom return to times she played with me when I was young … turning rope … teaching me ‘double Dutch’ and ‘jacks’ …(she was unbeatable always). She learned to drive a car when I turned 14 … about the same time my brother was teaching ME to drive his Plymouth ‘stick shift’ … w/o my parent’s knowledge. (I can’t believe I forgot to mention this in yesterday’s post about him, but I’ll need to share that story another time).

We had some ‘difficult years’ in my late 20s & early 30s … I suspect because she was disappointed I gave her no grandchildren to ‘dote’ upon and because she didn’t understand ‘me’ as ‘separate (or different) from her’ for a while … but those ‘rifts’ passed and we became close in my mid 30s. I’m grateful for that decade or so of ‘authentic connection’ … when each of us could ‘speak our mind’ … agreeing to disagree on some issues … valuing the relationship above all.

Our last breakfast together was at ‘The Belgian Waffle Inn’ during Spring Break of 1989 in March. We had a wonderful visit that morning and laughed often while sharing memories. My sister & her husband had taken their kids ‘camping’ for the week so I drove mom to the hospital for the ‘routine test’ to determine whether the ‘aging replacement valves’ in her heart (from heart surgery a decade earlier) could be replaced. She put her engagement and wedding rings on my right hand and asked me to wear them until she was finished with the test.

As I sat in the waiting room on that Monday afternoon by myself I heard the code … knew it was her w/o being told … listened to the doctor explain that her aorta had ruptured during the test but they were doing everything they could to save her … moved to the waiting room of the ICU … called my sister-in-law to let my brother know as I wondered how to reach my sister & her husband. My ‘ex’ figured that one out … changing the message on our answering machine at home to provide the number of the pay phone at the hospital.

The doctor told us later that she coded multiple times but they revived her successfully … and we faced the decision of what instructions to give them. All three of us knew ‘quality of life’ was the reason mom entered the hospital for the test … so we signed the DNR and waited as she ‘rallied’ … getting our hopes up for recovery after all. They rescheduled her for the surgery on Friday morning.

My sister & I arrived at the ICU around 8am … heard ‘the code’ shortly after and once again I knew it was mom … told Barb (who wasn’t convinced) … and we waited for the doctor to join us. When he did he apologized … explaining that mom ‘coded’ at the ‘change of shift’ and no one consulted the instructions before reviving her yet again … so she was alive but surgery was no longer an option.

We called our brother … he arrived around 1:00 in the afternoon so we all had the chance to say ‘good-bye’ and were with her as they removed the respirator. She died about 3pm on Good Friday … with an amazing expression of joy, delight, and peace on her face. As I sat with my siblings afterwards … we decided we needed a plan to remain connected now that we wouldn’t gather with mom for special occasions.

Then & there we committed to ‘sibling night’ … the 1st Friday of each month we’d meet for dinner in San Juan Capistrano … midway between where my sister & I each lived and my brother’s home in Oceanside. We followed through until my brother grew to ill to make the monthly trip. That’s when my sister & I designated Thursdays as ‘sister night’ and started to meet weekly around 4:30-ish.

Mom’s buried in Mesa, Arizona next to Dad …
just where she wanted to be.

Thought for Today
“Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Posted in mom, stories | 6 Comments

Feeling Giraffe Gratitude and Remembering my Mom

Posted on September 22, 2010 by Virginia

I appreciate the warm welcome I’ve received here at my Giraffe Journal, and am sharing a bit more today.  I’m delighted by the new, recent & long-time (somehow the word ‘old’ doesn’t feel right) friends my wilderness playground has attracted and I feel supported richly by your comments thus far.  Thank you so much for your kindness, encouragement, and enthusiasm.  It feels a bit scary to be my authentic self with no ‘pseudonym’ as a buffer … sharing truth as I understand it … revealing the meandering words from my journal pages without ‘editing’ them at all. Yet that’s what I intend to do when publishing my first book, so ‘practice’ makes sense.

Just so you know … allowing myself to take in & experience approval isn’t easy because I’m a ‘recovering perfectionist’ which means nothing I do ever seems quite good enough  to me.  Luna Jaffe, one of my Taos roommates who is starting her own business currently …  (I have no link yet but you can her see logo below)… noticed this about me and encouraged me to respond to feedback with the phrase, ‘Thank you, I’m glad you noticed!”  I’ve been practicing so this response becomes easier each day.

Filled with appreciation, I left responses to each comment on my previous posts as I found them because I’d like this blog to evolve into a conversation if at all possible.  In addition I sent email responses just to be sure the messages were received.   There is a way to subscribe through an RSS Feed to both ‘entries’ and ‘comments’ near the bottom of my sidebar in the section labeled ‘Meta’ if you wish to do so.  I’m new to ‘self-hosting’ with lots to learn about how things work here at WordPress (even though I’ve used the free WP platform for a while now).  There are things I could do at Happily Retired Gal that I can’t do here, and vice versa … so it’s puzzling at the moment.  I hope you’ll bear with me as I muddle through … figuring things out as I go.

Apparently the way things work currently is that a first comment from each visitor gets sent to an email address for ‘moderation’ … but once it’s been approved and published, future comments from that person should show up right away.  A current ‘glitch’ for me is that comments from this blog are directed to an email associated with a ‘domain’ that’s not yet been activated.  Although I’ve tried just about everything I can think of, I’ve not been able to figure out how to change that … so I’ve added the question to a growing list for my next call to GoDaddy tech support.  I suspect it will get cleared up eventually, but in the meantime there may be some lag time between the time comments are left by new visitors and when they’re approved.

This morning upon awakening, I realized I’d neglected to add ‘Thoughts for the Day’ at the end of my first two entries.  Doing so is a practice carried over from my years in the classroom and something I did on each of my previous blogs, so I’ve taken the liberty to add quotes to those posts this morning … just because.  I plan to continue passing along bits of collected ‘wisdom’ at the end of each entry from now on and invite you to share your own thoughts and meaningful ‘quotes’ as you leave responses.

Today I’d like to share a piece about my mom … written and shared previously at Sacred Ruminations on January 7, 2008 (if you care to see the original).  I’ve copied and pasted it here because I want to write more about our relationship and this seems like a good way to begin:

I’ve been thinking of my mom today as I’ve done several loads of laundry and a few other chores around the house. Having neglected these tasks in favor of blogging lately, I’m feeling a wee bit guilty though I often choose to release worry and guilt these days (after cultivating this new habit over time) so I’m not likely to lose any sleep over it. I’ve enjoyed learning to do new things, meeting new people through their blogs, experimenting with sharing previous writings from my journals, discovering comments, and responding from the heart. Some days I spend more time at the computer than I’d care to admit. My life is so much easier than hers. She never worked outside the home because my Dad didn’t want her too, and she did have three kids to raise once I appeared on the scene.

Mom always did laundry on Mondays, and we kids would help her hang the clothes on the outdoor lines to dry. Rainy Mondays always threw her off because she had specific days to do different tasks. Tuesday was for ironing, but I don’t recall which specific tasks she assigned to other days. She cleaned, baked, mended, sewed our clothes, darned socks, cooked meals, and volunteered at our schools & at church. We’d sit on the back porch together to shell peas, but Mom didn’t let either my sister nor I help with cooking. We did take turns drying the dishes after dinner as she washed them carefully … never trusting us with that task either. Occasionally she visited over the fence with neighbors, but for the most part was busy all the time taking care of the family.

My mother loved to play the old upright piano in our living room, and we often gathered around to listen and/or sing along. Later in life after all 3 of us kids were married and my had Dad died, she purchased a new piano and and large organ with multiple keyboards, stops, and foot pedals … setting them up like Liberace and Corla Panda at right angles to one another so she could play each simply by turning on the stool. She watched them faithfully on television when we were kids, and took lessons as a senior citizen … acquiring new skills with regular practice.

Possibly the time I’m spending at my computer is similar to the time Mom devoted to mastering musical skill, once she had the time to pursue that interest for pleasure. I suspect she’d wholeheartedly approve of me sharing my writing on these two blogs as she shared her music joyfully.

Reading through this piece now, you’d never suspect what difficulties we encountered with one another, but ours was a complex relationship that changed significantly over time as I suspect is common with many mothers and daughters.  I’d like to continue sharing memories of mom, but methinks I’ll stop here for now and share more tomorrow because this post is quite long already, it’s almost 10am … Molly needs a walk (so do I) …  and I have things to accomplish today.  Someone told me recently that it’s good to stop writing in the middle of a story because the mind will play with it and you’ll return to the page and pick up where you left off more easily.  I hope that’s true because that’s what I plan to do in my next post.

As I wrote previously, please feel free to stick your neck out and leave comments below. Share your reactions to this post & new site … your own ‘aha’ moments and/or pivotal life stories. I’m eager to meet you and want make Giraffe Journal safe space for interaction. In future posts, I’ll continue with my own stories and add more of my ‘convoluted writings’ … scanned from the pages of my journal … once I get the printer & laptop communicating again.

Thanks for visiting. I hope you’ll return soon … and often.
Hugs and blessings,
Virginia

Thought for Today
“War is an invention of the human mind. The human mind can invent peace with justice.” Norman Cousins

Posted in invitations, mom, stories | Tagged , | 2 Comments

A few simple examples of my unusual writing style …

Posted on September 20, 2010 by Virginia

In the mid-90s, I began to create rather spontaneously what I thought of as ‘visual’ pieces of writing outside of my regular journal.  I would draw a line on a piece of typing paper and then write on it … turning it to follow the contour … allowing whatever came to mind to spill onto the page.  Not being the neatest housekeeper, these tended to collect on horizontal surfaces throughout my home.  Friends who visited would pick them up and tell me they were wonderful, but to me they were simply random musings of my muddled mind. In time I learned to believe others really liked them, so I framed many to give as gifts to family and friends.  Eventually I trusted this technique enough to create Christmas greetings to send out each year.

I’d love to share better examples, but recently my wireless printer stopped talking to my laptop so I can’t scan any to share today.  However about 10 years ago a friend gave me a device called a ‘Multi-Mate’ to work with a now defunct Palm V that allowed me to create & transfer this type of writing directly into my computer. Although I could not find the original files as I searched my computer today, I did recall sharing a few in 2007 on my first blog.  I’ve located those images in that blog’s Picasa account and copied them to my laptop so I could upload them to this post. Here are three of them. I wish they were easier to read, but at least you’ll get an idea what I’m talking about.



You might notice in the last one that I wrote part of it backwards … and that reminds me of other oddities in my journal writing, but I’ll save those for another time.

Many of the original visual pieces are no longer in my possession, but I’m hoping to borrow at least some of them back to scan then reproduce to share in my book. If they can be enlarged, I’m thinking they might make nifty posters to hang on walls as well. Recently several friends have encouraged me to create greeting cards to sell and I’m considering the possibility.

These days I no longer draw a line to follow on the page. In truth, I have trouble writing in straight lines for very long … so my journal entries become convoluted frequently as illustrated below in a photo taken at my request (specifically to capture ‘shadows’ on the page) by Ruth McCully, a woman I met at the Writers Retreat in Taos this summer … but it also shows some of my writing.

Below is another photo taken by Christy Payne, a woman I met at the Your Purpose Summit recently who just gave me permission to use it. It’s easier to read than the ones above.

So … methinks that will do for now. I’ve added a link at the top of my sidebar to A Million Minutes for Peace taking place tomorrow at noon & invite you to check it out. In addition, created a giraffe ‘You Make My Day’ award for my sidebar. I want to encourage all who pass this way and leave me comments to ‘snag’ a copy to enjoy and share with others. I plan to respond to each comment as I’ve done on my first post, you might want to subscribe to both the RSS feed and the RSS comments feed (near the bottom of the sidebar) so you’ll know when I add posts and comments here at Giraffe Journal.

As I wrote in my first post, please feel free to stick your neck out and leave comments below. Share your reactions to this post & new site … your own ‘aha’ moments and/or pivotal life stories. I’m eager to meet you and want make Giraffe Journal safe space for interaction. In future posts, I’ll continue with my own stories and add more of my ‘convoluted writings’ … scanned from the pages of my journal … once I get the printer & laptop communicating again.

Thanks for visiting. I hope you’ll return soon … and often.
Hugs and blessings,
Virginia

Thought for Today
“After all is said and done, more is said than done.” Aesop

Posted in graphic doodles, invitations, labyrinth journal writing, stories | Tagged , | 16 Comments

Welcome to Giraffe Journal …

Posted on September 19, 2010 by Virginia

Every room in my home is filled with giraffes given to me over the years by family, friends, co-workers and students.    Although I’ve never quite understood just what prompted these gifts, I have always loved giraffes … and perhaps that’s reason enough.  When visiting zoos and wild animal parks, I rushed consistently to the enclosures housing these magnificently unique creatures and lingered there for a long while … fascinated by their grace and gentle presence … never wanting to leave.

While driving home from a visit to the San Diego zoo in the 1970s, my talented poetic childhood sweetheart/husband created & shared an original poem with me  in the car.  It has remained in my memory for decades as follows:

‘I love giraffes from horn to hoof.

They’re dignified, but not aloof.

Although they give my heart a tug,

giraffes are much too tall to hug.”

Some years ago, I learned of a ‘Giraffe Society’ that gives awards to people who ‘stick their neck out’ and wondered at the time if one reason I’ve received so many giraffes might be in recognition of times I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to speak up & take action in my life to make a difference. Today I wonder if these giraffe gifts might have been incentives for me to take even greater risks.  I’ve long been a ‘closet’ writer … journaling for an audience of one (myself) as a means to make sense of life’s encounters but keeping my discoveries on the page to myself.  Recent experiences have led me to believe it’s time to stand tall, stick my neck out, and encourage others to do likewise.

From the ages of 4 to 56, I spent my life in schools (first as student then as teacher) surrounded by others … constantly trying to fit in where I didn’t feel I belonged. Since retiring 10 years ago I’ve learned to be truly comfortable in my own body, but need space to maintain a sense of well-being so I’ve become quite the hermit … spending much time alone in my lovely home near the ocean that I share with a 21+ year old feral cat and a 5 year old Labrador Retriever.

Last month I spent a week at the Mable Dodge Luhan House with Jennifer Louden, Havi Brooks, and 28 women writers … 8 of whom I’d met there in 2007 for a similar retreat.

While there, I realized I’d been hiding long enough … that I needed to share my writing at last … so as I drove home the 964 miles to Southern California, the prayer of my heart, mind, and spirit spilled out over and over:  “OK God, if I’m supposed to do this thing … please put people in my life that can help make it happen because I don’t have a clue where to begin … and I’m scared.”

Upon arriving home I discovered an email from Jennifer Louden containing a link to a Successful Author Secrets series online and I signed up, listened to each daily interview (taking copious notes) … checking out the ‘offerings’ … availing myself of some, leaving others untouched.  That’s where I encountered Jeneth Blackert … then through her, Baeth Davis.  Learning about a 4-day event called the Your Purpose Summit felt like the answer to my prayers.  I slept on the decision but signed up early the next morning … (the Native American opening & closing plus the Wild Horse local sealed the deal for a variety of reasons I can share at another time) … invited my sister (who just happened to be in town) to accompany me, and she readily agreed.

Being at the Wild Horse Pass Spa and Resort in Phoenix, AZ for this event was life-changing.  For the first time in my life, I felt as if I belonged in this group … just as I am … no modifications needed.  However by the end of Day One I was so confused I was ready to skip the VIP party and possibly the rest of the event to just ‘hang out’ with my sister in a lovely place.  Fortunately she listened to me blather for several minutes and convinced me to at least show up at the party briefly.  I’m glad I listened to her for I did meet some individuals with fascinating stories that night.

My journaling the next morning upon awakening brought some clarity, and I felt able to continue.  I sat next to a woman named Carol (a long time friend of Lynne Brodie, the Heart Sage) that morning and learned she was giving up a reading with Kay Packard, a hand-analyst, at 10am on Saturday.  With Carol’s help, I ‘snagged’ the appointment for myself during the first break. Cindy set me up with Carol’s half hour and said I could extend to an hour if I wished … which I did.

As the day progressed, three different people gave me the same advice — show your journal to the people at the Vervante table and listen to what they tell you.  I followed that advice and was amazed to hear they want to publish my ‘Journal’ pretty much ‘as is’ … make ‘templates’ of my pieces without words so that others can explore their own thoughts after hearing me read mine on a CD to accompany the book.  The most amazing thing is that Cindy & her daughter Lesley live no more than 5 minutes from me … walk their dog on the same Dog Beach that I walk Molly so we’ve probably passed one another numerous times.

Upon telling Lynne Brodie, she said (emphatically) that I needed to stand up and share this ‘aha’ at the next opportunity.  The thought felt paralyzing and fortunately there were no more ‘aha’ invitations that day.  However after Isabel Parlett, the Sound Bite Shaman had us ‘dance’ the following day before we wrote the three parts to our ‘core’ story … I found my hand raised the minute Baeth asked for someone to share … feeling surprise & trepidation when she called on me.  I stepped into the spotlight to share my ‘core’ story feeling nervously apprehensive, however taking this risk allowed everyone in the room to ‘meet me’ personally.  Afterward, many listeners approached … wanting to know where to buy my book … hoping to take it home with them, disappointed to learn it wasn’t yet available.

They put cards in my hands asking me to let them know when it’s published, so I need to take action and get that done.   I also want to get the word out … so last Thursday I purchased 8 domain names at GoDaddy and I’ve chatted with a website designer I met in Arizona last weekend about my vision for developing the sites.  Yesterday I added one more domain for this Giraffe Journal site where I intend to playfully explore possibilities in the meantime … and invite others to do likewise.

So … please feel free to stick your neck out and leave comments below.  Share your reactions to this post & new site … your own ‘aha’ moments and/or pivotal life stories.  I’m eager to meet you and want make Giraffe Journal safe space for interaction. In future posts, I’ll continue with my own stories and add some of my ‘convoluted writings’ … scanned from the pages of my journal.

Thanks for visiting. I hope you’ll return soon … and often.

Hugs and blessings,

Virginia

Thought for Today
“What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.” ~Buddha
Posted in invitations, stories, welcome | Tagged , | 16 Comments